Matthew Perry

I am remised in writing about the untimely passing of Matthew Perry. My friends and I grew up watching him on the show Friends. It’s tremendously sad: a person who gave so much laughter and joy to the world cannot keep any for himself. Perry’s addiction to alcohol and drugs is widely known, so when I saw the news of his death, my first inclination was: “He could never outrun his demons.”

(To be sure: as of this writing, the cause of death is still under investigation. Perry was found unconscious in a hot tub.)

I haven’t the slightest idea what it’s like to be in that deep a mental funk, be it substance addiction, or severe depression. I have friends who are on anti-depressive drugs, and it’s always been a challenge for me to empathize with their plight. It’s like a fully healthy person having to level with a terminally-ill patient. The wavelength of understanding is completely different. All I can offer to my friends are platitudes. Sometimes I would feel guilty to be “normal” and “happy”, when they are in such a rut.

Perry surely had close friends that know of his situation and want him to get well. But they couldn’t do anything for him, just as I cannot do anything for my friends facing mental challenges. The battle cannot only be fought by the person dealing with the issues. Those of us on the sidelines can only wish them the best, and be there when asked.

And if it comes to an end, it was beautiful while it happened. Matthew Perry leaves an enormous legacy of comedic and acting talent for generations to enjoy. Rest well.

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Head in the clouds.

Gray so gray

The drudgery of summer here in San Francisco have gotten slightly depressive, even for jolly ole me. The western side of the city remains constantly blanketed by a cloud of fog on most days. An unpleasant situation for receiving those mood-positive vitamin Ds from the sun. Even though I’m grateful for the coolness during the night, the grayish overcast during the day can be rather oppressive.

I thought of Conan O’Brien’s sign off during his last episode as host of The Tonight Show. (Shame forever on Jay Leno for forcing Conan out of his dream job.) Despite the clear unfairness done to him, Conan cautioned us to not ever be cynical:

"I'm asking this particularly of young people that watch: please do not be cynical. I hate cynicicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you: amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. It's just true."

It seems every time I get into a bit of a funk, I go back to this Conan quote. Indeed, nobody in life gets exactly what they want. What you thought something would be turns out to be completely different. That girl you like just might not like you back. Where you are right now isn’t where you’d thought just five years ago. But that’s okay. Like Conan says, you just have to be kind, and keep working at whatever it is that you do. Take some risks, make some decisions, and deal with the consequences head on.

What I’m working on these days is being first to communicate. If I encounter something and it makes me think of someone, I try not to hesitate to text that person. Typically, I would be paralyzed with anxiety and simply not make the effort. What if that person finds it bothersome? What if they don’t text me back? What if we haven’t talked in a while, and I come off as weird? I’m trying to fight against that programming.

The point is to let it out into the world. Whether that boomerang comes back is out of my control. Best case, however, it sparks some conversations that otherwise wouldn’t ever have happened - if I didn’t make the effort.

Keep it simple. Stupid.

No rest for the wicked?

It was Labor Day this past weekend, and after a hectic week at work, in which it was the first week of the Fall semester, the respite of a three-day weekend came at precisely the right time. I had plans to do my normal two-day weekend routine on Saturday and Sunday, and then come Monday, the goal was to do absolutely nothing, and just chill.

Well, Monday rolled around, and along with it the difficulty: I actually couldn’t make myself to not do anything! That morning, by the time the second consecutive Youtube video rolled around, I already had pangs of regret in wasting time and not being productive. On Labor Day, the day where I am suppose to relax and be lazy - and super fortunate to be in a position to do so, I have trouble in execution. What happened to the guy who could simply binge-watch a string of television seasons, like any other normal person?

He’s no longer here.

After watching the second video, I was too uncomfortable with the notion that I’m going to be doing that for the rest of the day. So, even though it’s technically a holiday, I returned to my daily routine, albeit in less of a time crunch since I didn’t have work: study Korean for an hour, read a book for an hour, and write a piece for this very website. It wasn’t until I’ve finished all three items that I felt at ease with watching car-related stuff on Youtube for the rest of the day.

The inability to just chill: is it a bad thing? Is there some latent anxiety or depression that I’m using constant productivity to avoid confronting? I really don’t know. The clock never stops on the action long enough for me to invade my own mind and find out the answer; I’d get antsy and pick up the book again, or write some more; or I still have many great podcasts to listen to, so let’s jump back to that queue.

These days I have a great desire for peace and quiet, but ironically, granting that silence for my own mind is a grace I can’t seem to give myself. I’m far too eager for what’s next, which is why even on Labor Day I’m unable to fully commit to a day of doing nothing.

I’m sure there’s some positives to that, too; hashtag hustle. That’s the ‘yin’ and the ‘yang’.

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This is exactly how I pictured Japan car culture looks like.

Post-travel depression

I don’t really get post-travel depression; not even for Korea, a country I finally visited in 2017 and was highly anticipated I literally ticked off days on the calendar. But after this recent trip, it’s quite serious.

I really miss Japan.

It’s been more than three weeks since I’ve return to the States, and I’m still hankering to be back in that wonderful country. Undergoing the process of editing all the photographs I took certainly hasn’t help: every new picture is a stark reminder that I am no longer there, and instead, back to the reality of my regular everyday life.

Not to say my life sucks; far from it. This isn’t the typical sort of post-travel depression where the person who returns from vacation cannot bear the mundane grind of his life, that the travel destination is so awesome and spectacular that regular life becomes comparatively worse. Then the person struggles through it, holding back the anguish long enough to make it to the checkpoint of the next vacation, and the cycle begins again. That is indeed a stressful way to live, and if you so dislike your job and/or life, you really should make a change. Let the sadness be the catalyst.

In my particular case of post-travel sadness, it is because the culture of Japan fits me so absolutely well. No other place I’ve been to have I felt so familiar and at-ease, where the surroundings feels just right, and the mechanics of life there super in-tune with my personality. I concede that recency bias may be playing its usual tricks, but honestly I can say that perhaps in another life, I’d be living in Japan full-time. It is that special of a place.

A subject I shall greatly expand upon in the dedicated photo stories article on the entire 9-day Japan trip, an article I’m very looking forward to writing. Stay tuned.

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A sight you definitely won’t ever see back in the States.

Money doesn't solve everything

I am extremely shocked and sad at the news of Anthony Bourdain killing himself this morning. He had what I and many others consider the dream job: traveling throughout the world and eating amazing food, yet plainly that wasn't enough. In the same week that Kate Spade also committed suicide, it goes to show that money, fame, and power can't possibly solve all of life's problems.

People that don't have money or power can't fathom the possibility someone with those things can still be dissatisfied with life. The usual rebuttal to the maxim "money can't buy happiness" goes "I rather be unhappy with lots of money"; well, Bourdain and Spade were obviously quite unhappy while having lots of money, and it led to death. 

Is that what you want? 

It's easy for the have-nots to imagine having unlimited funds to satiate wants would lead to a happy life. It indeed feels wonderful to buy material things and obtain various luxuries of life, but it's fleeting. Demons that existed when you are poor don't suddenly go away just because there's a large influx of cash. 

I've been there. 

In 2013 I felt like luckiest boy when I purchase my then dream car (Subaru WRX STI). I'd spent the preceding years saving up hard and it was a personal victory I was super proud of. The euphoria did not last however because in 2014 I fell into depression due to various reasons. Having the trappings of a nice car and a stable job did absolutely nothing to prevent it from happening. On paper I should be incredibly content with life, but I obviously was not, even if I wanted to be, 

Reading and traveling retrieved me from my rut. 

So it's from personal experience that I can readily see how someone like Bourdain who seemingly has it all can reach a mental place where continuing to live became untenable. It's truly sad. 

My kind of morning rays. 

Rest in peace, Kim Jonghyun

I woke up to horrible new this morning: Kpop group SHINee member Kim Jonghyun found dead in his home in an apparent suicide.

He was 27.

As someone who reveled in turning 30 just last week, Jonghyun's death somehow felt like a gut-punch to me. Never mind that SHINee is one of my favorite Kpop acts, and Jonghyun had arguably the best male vocals in the business (his ending to SM The Ballad's 'Hot Times' is a master class). It's heartbreaking to see someone so at the end of his wits that the ultimate and lasting release of death was the better option. 

At only 27 years of age. So much potential and life still ahead, but he couldn't see it. Even for me who have been through depression, I can't begin to imagine being in that place.

All the veneer of Jonghyun's success and veneration hid a deep trouble no one knew. Us fans on the outside can see but the happy side of fame and fortune, but we all have struggles, no matter the social standing. Money is a great problem solver yet it can never cover a hole that depression creates. To pull oneself out takes a combination of personal perseverance and outside help.

Unfortunately, in Asia it may still be shockingly taboo to seek psychological help, especially for a celebrity like Jonghyun. People would surely ask what can a world-class entertainer with all the accolades and money possibly have to be sad about? It's tremendous ignorance, and a total blind-spot of first-world Asia and its singular focus on equating success with happiness.

Let's be kind to one another. Appearances can mask hurt: reach out, simply to say hello. We are one in this world, and communication reaffirms it to those momentarily impeded from remembering. 

Thank you, Jonghyun. I pray you've found your peace.